Saturday, January 7, 2012

Surviving, Not Thriving

I don't generally like to air my laundry out in public, mostly because my frilly chonies are nobody's business.  However, I know a lot of people are going through some tough times right now.  Maybe someone will feel better knowing they're going through something similar to me, maybe someone will have a good idea on how to cope.  Or even better yet, a job lead for a brilliant young artist with a Bachelor Degree in Game Art and Design.  When I say he's brilliant, I'm not being his girlfriend.  I mean he's flippin' brilliant.  Okay, web design: not our strong suit, but I digress.

The Scruffy-Looking Nerfherder and I are pretty convinced we want to spend the rest of our lives together.  This will come as a complete shock to absolutely nobody who's ever been in the same room with the two of us.  There's just a few issues.  Well, two.  Two wonderful, fabulous, delightful issues that aren't so much obstacles, as... well, if you'll forgive an archaic use of the word... issues.

My boyfriend has two amazing children.  I haven't spent a huge amount of time with them, but I love them already and I can't wait to have them be a more permanent part of my family.  There's a bit of  hitch in the giddyup, though, and that's finances.  Right now, we are just exactly making ends meet.  This is partly because times are tough, and partly because the SLNH just graduated from college last July and still hasn't been able to find full-time employment.

We can't take the next step to becoming a family until we can actually BE a family, and we can't do that without the kids, who are currently with Grandma and Grandpa until things get sorted out.  We certainly can't move the kids into our one bedroom apartment, and we can't afford a two-bedroom on what I make.  So we're stuck in limbo.  Stuck in Purgatory.  Stuck in Long Beach, having discussions about rings, dresses, and how many bedrooms we might eventually need, with absolutely no way to implement our dreams, and no way of knowing when we'll be able to move forward.

It's frustrating, maddening, infuriating.  I've stopped looking forward because it hurts too much not knowing if I can or even should.  Admittedly, today is a "bad head day".  Most days I find my zen about it, because honestly, until he finds work, there is nothing to be done about it and stressing will just make me crazy.  But today, right now, I'm stressing, and crazy, and feeling a little hopeless.

Things will not stay like this forever, I know it.  My dearest darling is a very talented and likable man and eventually he'll be in the right place at the right time, and be snatched up by someone who will appreciate and use his talents.  As they say, "this too shall pass."  Perhaps somewhere in this I'll learn actual patience and Zen, rather than the semblance thereof.  Wish me luck!

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