A Modest Proposal

It can be assumed that, to remain unaware of the events which took place on and around the former site of the World Trade Center in New York City on September the Eleventh in the year of 2001, one must quite literally live under a proverbial rock. It can further be assumed that the resultant social unrest and political posturing and mud-slinging is also fairly inescapable, and especially since this collection of thoughts and suggestions shall be posited only in online venues, the idea that anyone reading this is unaware of any of the aforementioned events and phenoms is quite laughable. Therefore, I shall not, for the sake of brevity, ennumerate the many reasons I make the suggestions herein. I only present them as both solutions to the problems we seem to be facing, and also as motions in the pursuit of fair treatment of all, which opponents on all sides of this issue claim to seek.

First, there is the matter of the proposed Mosque near the site of the former World Trade Center, which has created much the outcry. Many sensitive souls cite the families of the victims, fearing that building a Mosque near the site would be a painful reminder of that terrible day. I couldn't agree more. In fact, I think it necessary that all painful reminders be removed from society.

Therefore, I suggest that all people of German Descent be required to dwell at least 5 miles from any people of the Jewish faith, whether those people are themselves Jewish, and whether those Jews have any familial ties to any Holocaust victims or survivors. Additionally, all churches within view of any African Americans must write a letter of request to the local NAACP chapter before erecting any crosses in their front yards, or purchasing any white robes for any of their religious figures. Also, all men must request forgiveness from all women for such historical inequities as have been perpetrated upon the "gentler sex" since the beginning of racial memory before engaging in any conversation.

After erecting such social boundaries between groups that have offended each other in the past, let us not forget further recompense. I understand there is a preacher who wishes to burn the Qu'ran in effigy of all terrorism. I suggest that he also schedule a burning of a Bible in effigy of all racism, the Consitution in effigy of all rebellion, and the Torah in effigy of greed. As those books and papers have as much responsibility for the creation of such concepts as the Qu'ran has for the existence of terrorism, it seems only fitting.

And finally, it stands to reason that since racial profiling has acheived governmental sanction, there are a few categories I would like to add to the current list of standard suspects. All white men between the ages of 40 and 60 shall be detained on suspicion of embezzlement. All persons between the ages of 16 and 24 shall be detained on suspicion of possession of marijuana. All women of marrying age shall be detained on suspicion of intent to prostitute themselves. And all persons over the age of 60 shall be detained on suspicion of being under the influence of prescription narcotics.

It is understandable that my proposal shall be met with some resistance, however many of these changes are necessary to promote the healing and safety of our great nation. I pray that they will be seen in the spirit in which they are intended, and with the earnestness I feel.