I keep having this pretend conversation in my head. It's not a fun ride, but it refuses to leave me alone.
Other person: Would you rather be raped or murdered?
Other person: That's absurd! Why would you rather die?
Me: Both crimes are murder, one's just slightly less messy for the criminal. If I'm murdered nobody's going to ask me if I had been drinking. Nobody will suggest that maybe I wanted to be murdered. Nobody will say I should have worn something different, or that I shouldn't have been out that night, or that I was in any way to blame for being murdered.
And weeks later, nobody will tell me I should get over it. Nobody will tell my family that they should just drop the case to save my murderer the embarrassment of a trial. Nobody will say I'm making a big deal out of being murdered. Nobody will say that my murderer has so much going for him, can't I just drop the whole thing? No judge will go easy on my murderer because he's wealthy, or on a sports scholarship, or his family is well-connected.
Years later, I won't have added financial burden of either therapy or PTSD as I have flashbacks to the night I was murdered. I won't have difficulty keeping a job or maintaining relationships with people because I can't shake the memory of my murder. I won't need to seek out support from other people who have been murdered. I won't suffer horrible traumatic damage for the rest of my life because of one awful thing someone else did to me that was in no way my fault. And I won't be blamed for it either.