This was in response to a UK Lottery Phishing email I received, that just said, "Please open attachment for details about your winnings." Luckily for me, Gmail has an image previewer, so I was able to satisfy my curiosity without giving my computer the electronic equivalent of the Martian Flu Virus.
Dear "Kate Brown,"
Well, I suppose if someone is still gullible enough to fall for the Overseas Lottery Scam, they're probably also stupid enough to open an attachment from someone they've never met.
Listen, I know you're probably just some poor kid in India working in a sweatshop for someone who will beat you and kill your sister if you don't send shit like this out. Still, there's gotta be a way to get out of that and somehow be a law-abiding citizen. Because no matter how you look at it, stealing people's money is wrong. So is using up valuable pornography bandwidth with fraudulent emails about lotteries, and princes, and friends being stuck in England.
Hey! Maybe you sister can get into porn! Then you won't have to send out bullshit emails to hardworking americans like myself. Sure, I'm supposed to be working right now and instead I'm writing you this (pretty brilliant, I must say) email, but this isn't about me. It's about you and your sweatshop conditions, and the ridiculous belief that somehow you are justified in cheating little old ladies out of their fixed-income earnings from their husbands' pensions.
Because honestly, those are the only people who fall for these scams. Well-meaning octagenarians who want to leave a little something for their grandchildren. Like my grandma. Well, not my grandma, because she's not a dipshit. But women like her. Women who have no marketable skills and can't join the workforce because when they were 10 they were told their husband would take care of them. My grandma is smarter than that and became a librarian, but like I said, this isn't about me.
Well, "Kate," I'm glad we've had this talk. I'm sure I've taken up valuable time for both you and your supervisor/kidnapper. You must have someone to swindle somewhere. Maybe once you're done robbing US Senior Citizens, you can go beat up some kids for their lunch money! Won't that be fun!