Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My Zombie Plan

I heard an "Off Air" tone coming from my neighbor's TV this morning, and of course like any self-respecting self-rescuing princess, my first thought was "ZOMBIEOCALYPSE!"  And so, I began to contemplate my zombie plan. 

Most zombie movies work on the theory that zombie-ism is a virus that takes at least 12 hours to incubate, results in death and then reanimates the infected, who now have no mental acuity and an insatiable appetite for human flesh.  It also assumes that somehow a significant percentage of the population will be able to survive an attack, escape, and continue to live long enough for infection to take hold.  Given this, if the virus is going to spread globally, the zombies will have to be roughly 25% slower or weaker than normal humans in order to allow incubation.

There is also the assumption is many movies that virus will originate in a majorly populated area that is a center for world travel, and is near enough to some sort of research facility where the virus will have originated as a (theoretically containable) biological weapon.  Given this, and given the fact that the US military is the only organization in the world with both the resources and the hubris to create something so destructive, that narrows the origination points to two places: The Pentagon and Area 51.  As many have tried to prove the existence of Area 51 and all have failed, the most likely city for the zombie virus to begin is therefore Washington DC.

Given this, we know two things: One, the US government will be all but non-existent once the virus takes hold.  And two, given the number of foreign dignitaries and private jets in the city, as well as it's proximity to New York City, is is very likely that the virus will have spread world-wide within two weeks, however, we on the West Coast will have between three days and a week to plan.

We know from Zombie movies that holing up in a mall or fortified bunker never works.  Eventually the food or ammo runs out.  Or some crazy power-hungry control freak starts killing everyone off because they're paranoid.  Or some stranger you've never met but suddenly have a great loyalty and affection toward because, well, they're not a zombie, does something stupid and you end up making some half-cocked rescue attempt only to be overcome by the ravenous horde beyond the confines of your makeshift fortress.

So, the most obvious solution is of course to remain mobile.  You can move from town to town, following the food and ammo, and keeping ahead of the ever-increasing shambling masses.  You'll of course want to skirt large cities, as the more largely traveled areas will have a higher risk of infection.  Theoretically, if you're able to assemble a fortified vehicle and plenty of guns ahead of time, you can keep moving for the time it takes for all the zombies to die of starvation.  There is a flaw in this plan, however, as eventually the food and ammo will run out.

My plan is a bit different, if unconventional, and that is to go underground.  Way underground, in a retired nuclear silo.  With enough preparation, you can set up a renewable food source, the details of which I refuse to share here, and even take a few friends with you.  And since you're about 40 yards below the surface of the earth, you can fortify the entrance back to the surface, and ensure that the mongol horde will never find.

So there it is, my zombie plan.  Now look into the end of this silver pen, I have to erase your memory...

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