I don't generally like to air my laundry out in public, mostly because my frilly chonies are nobody's business. However, I know a lot of people are going through some tough times right now. Maybe someone will feel better knowing they're going through something similar to me, maybe someone will have a good idea on how to cope. Or even better yet, a job lead for a brilliant young artist with a Bachelor Degree in Game Art and Design. When I say he's brilliant, I'm not being his girlfriend. I mean he's flippin' brilliant. Okay, web design: not our strong suit, but I digress.
The Scruffy-Looking Nerfherder and I are pretty convinced we want to spend the rest of our lives together. This will come as a complete shock to absolutely nobody who's ever been in the same room with the two of us. There's just a few issues. Well, two. Two wonderful, fabulous, delightful issues that aren't so much obstacles, as... well, if you'll forgive an archaic use of the word... issues.
My boyfriend has two amazing children. I haven't spent a huge amount of time with them, but I love them already and I can't wait to have them be a more permanent part of my family. There's a bit of hitch in the giddyup, though, and that's finances. Right now, we are just exactly making ends meet. This is partly because times are tough, and partly because the SLNH just graduated from college last July and still hasn't been able to find full-time employment.
We can't take the next step to becoming a family until we can actually BE a family, and we can't do that without the kids, who are currently with Grandma and Grandpa until things get sorted out. We certainly can't move the kids into our one bedroom apartment, and we can't afford a two-bedroom on what I make. So we're stuck in limbo. Stuck in Purgatory. Stuck in Long Beach, having discussions about rings, dresses, and how many bedrooms we might eventually need, with absolutely no way to implement our dreams, and no way of knowing when we'll be able to move forward.
It's frustrating, maddening, infuriating. I've stopped looking forward because it hurts too much not knowing if I can or even should. Admittedly, today is a "bad head day". Most days I find my zen about it, because honestly, until he finds work, there is nothing to be done about it and stressing will just make me crazy. But today, right now, I'm stressing, and crazy, and feeling a little hopeless.
Things will not stay like this forever, I know it. My dearest darling is a very talented and likable man and eventually he'll be in the right place at the right time, and be snatched up by someone who will appreciate and use his talents. As they say, "this too shall pass." Perhaps somewhere in this I'll learn actual patience and Zen, rather than the semblance thereof. Wish me luck!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Resolved
This year, I'm going to blog like it's 1999, just on the off-chance people are wrong, the Mayans DIDN'T run out of room, and WEREN'T marking the end of a cycle. That doesn't mean I'll be using 1999 technology, just that I'll be blogging more frequently. I realize the futility of this, if the world truly does end, there will be nobody to read my blog, however, I will die knowing I spent time recording my thoughts. For some reason this is important to me.
As it's January the first, I fear I will join the throng in a New Years Resolution post. I know many who shirk this tradition (though I think it's mostly out of a desire to shirk tradition in general), however I have always kept it. I think the reason the I like to make New Year Resolutions is not because I imagine there's some mystical powers lent to projects begun on the first of January, but because most of the world recognizes this day as the beginning of a new cycle. The old Year has died and the new Year has been born, to much love and celebration. What better time to sit back and take stock of that which was, that which is, and that which you wish to be?
Sadly, I don't have particularly grand resolutions this year, and they're certainly not unique, however, such as they are, I'm going to write them down, if for no other reason that to look back in 2013 - which is TOTALLY HAPPENING (probably).
2011 was a very stressful year, and I am a stress-eater. It didn't help either that I began working for an Italian food importer, where I could get all the pasta, risotto, and even wine that I wanted. I gained about 30 pounds, to add to the 15 "I'm so happy I'm not single" pounds I already gained. My goal this year is lose the 45 pounds I've gained since I started dating my Scruffy-Looking NerfHerder. My plan for this is to wake up 30 minutes earlier and do something physical every day. My plan is also to use lo-carb induction to get myself kick-started, and then simply eat more veggies, less starch, drink less, and eat at home more.
I spent a lot of 2011 worrying, to the point where I started to make myself sick. In 2012 I am going to find my zen, and nail it to my brain. I realize this isn't strictly the traditional zen solution to this problem, but I really like the imagery of it. Part of my plan is to care less about what everyone else thinks and more about what I think, and part of it is to accept that I can't control everything.
This year is going to be challenging for my Scruffy-Looking NerfHerder and me. We will move, have kidlets move with us, and probably either have or begin planning a party where I wear a white dress and invite all my friends. I am going to need to lean on him a lot, and he on me, and so I resolve to make sure that we continue to communicate as we always have: brilliantly.
Music. Apart from my SLNH, music is the joy and passion of my life. This year, I am going to treat it more like the lover it is, instead of the interloper it's become. I will practice bouzouki and piano one hour each every week, and I will write a song every week. I will MAKE time to do this, because it's important to my emotional and spiritual growth.
I think that's a full enough docket for one year. Wish me luck!
As it's January the first, I fear I will join the throng in a New Years Resolution post. I know many who shirk this tradition (though I think it's mostly out of a desire to shirk tradition in general), however I have always kept it. I think the reason the I like to make New Year Resolutions is not because I imagine there's some mystical powers lent to projects begun on the first of January, but because most of the world recognizes this day as the beginning of a new cycle. The old Year has died and the new Year has been born, to much love and celebration. What better time to sit back and take stock of that which was, that which is, and that which you wish to be?
Sadly, I don't have particularly grand resolutions this year, and they're certainly not unique, however, such as they are, I'm going to write them down, if for no other reason that to look back in 2013 - which is TOTALLY HAPPENING (probably).
2011 was a very stressful year, and I am a stress-eater. It didn't help either that I began working for an Italian food importer, where I could get all the pasta, risotto, and even wine that I wanted. I gained about 30 pounds, to add to the 15 "I'm so happy I'm not single" pounds I already gained. My goal this year is lose the 45 pounds I've gained since I started dating my Scruffy-Looking NerfHerder. My plan for this is to wake up 30 minutes earlier and do something physical every day. My plan is also to use lo-carb induction to get myself kick-started, and then simply eat more veggies, less starch, drink less, and eat at home more.
I spent a lot of 2011 worrying, to the point where I started to make myself sick. In 2012 I am going to find my zen, and nail it to my brain. I realize this isn't strictly the traditional zen solution to this problem, but I really like the imagery of it. Part of my plan is to care less about what everyone else thinks and more about what I think, and part of it is to accept that I can't control everything.
This year is going to be challenging for my Scruffy-Looking NerfHerder and me. We will move, have kidlets move with us, and probably either have or begin planning a party where I wear a white dress and invite all my friends. I am going to need to lean on him a lot, and he on me, and so I resolve to make sure that we continue to communicate as we always have: brilliantly.
Music. Apart from my SLNH, music is the joy and passion of my life. This year, I am going to treat it more like the lover it is, instead of the interloper it's become. I will practice bouzouki and piano one hour each every week, and I will write a song every week. I will MAKE time to do this, because it's important to my emotional and spiritual growth.
I think that's a full enough docket for one year. Wish me luck!
Monday, December 19, 2011
500 Miles
Eleven years ago, I met this girl. Since most of my friends lived in Orange County and I was going to school at UCLA, I didn't meet her until a few months after I first heard her name. She was incredibly popular with my friends, and I was so jealous of her. Everyone loved her, and she and my then-boyfriend had hit it off so well that people joked she was his "Other Girlfriend."
Little did I know that this person would become my rock, one of the people I loved most in the world. It happened slowly, as all good relationships do. But somewhere between reading Harry Potter to each other and having all-night Buffy marathons, it was sealed. I understood now what people meant when they said BBF. Because our friendship has always been fluid. Schedules and lifestyles have made the time we can spend together wax and wane. But I've always been happiest and most centered when I could be around her more.
Now, my friend has some exciting changes happening in her life. Moving 500 miles away, beginning an advanced degree, moving 500 miles away, learning a new city. Did I mention she's moving 500 miles away?
This is the right decision for her, it's something she's wanted to for years, and has seriously considered for at least half of the last decade. I am so incredibly happy for her that she's taking the next step in her life, and I will now have an even better excuse to come up to San Francisco every month or so.
But I've been in denial for a while. "I'll think about that later," I've told myself. In a not-unusual turn of events, we are currently working together. And as I transferred her accounts to the people taking over for her, it hit me. My very best friend in the whole wide world is moving 500 miles away. And even though I've kept it together and remained really happy for her, I'm finally allowing myself to be sad for me.
This is not the end, it's not even the end of our story, it's just a new chapter. All the same, it's still a parting of sorts, and I know my life will not be the same with her farther away. So, selfishly, I say, "So long, Maile. I'll miss you."
Little did I know that this person would become my rock, one of the people I loved most in the world. It happened slowly, as all good relationships do. But somewhere between reading Harry Potter to each other and having all-night Buffy marathons, it was sealed. I understood now what people meant when they said BBF. Because our friendship has always been fluid. Schedules and lifestyles have made the time we can spend together wax and wane. But I've always been happiest and most centered when I could be around her more.
Now, my friend has some exciting changes happening in her life. Moving 500 miles away, beginning an advanced degree, moving 500 miles away, learning a new city. Did I mention she's moving 500 miles away?
This is the right decision for her, it's something she's wanted to for years, and has seriously considered for at least half of the last decade. I am so incredibly happy for her that she's taking the next step in her life, and I will now have an even better excuse to come up to San Francisco every month or so.
But I've been in denial for a while. "I'll think about that later," I've told myself. In a not-unusual turn of events, we are currently working together. And as I transferred her accounts to the people taking over for her, it hit me. My very best friend in the whole wide world is moving 500 miles away. And even though I've kept it together and remained really happy for her, I'm finally allowing myself to be sad for me.
This is not the end, it's not even the end of our story, it's just a new chapter. All the same, it's still a parting of sorts, and I know my life will not be the same with her farther away. So, selfishly, I say, "So long, Maile. I'll miss you."
Saturday, November 26, 2011
It's not Sports, it's their fans I can't stand...
My dad was an athlete all through college and high school, and so, like most dads with only daughters, attempted to instill in me a love of sports. And it worked for many, many years. I could still explain the basic mechanics of football, baseball, basketball, hockey, and even soccer (it was more impressive in the 80s before it was "cool"). However, something very important happened at the end of my adolescence that turned me off of sports forever.
I went to college.
And suddenly, I became part of "the team." I was no longer an individual fan, cheering for whichever team I liked better based on record or players, or hell, even which colors or mascot I liked better. No, I was now a Bruin, who hated Trojans at all costs. Ironically, it was mostly Trojans who informed me of this.
While I'm all for a little friendly competition, I never really got the cross-town rivalry thing. *I* wasn't on the team. None of the Trojans that razzed me about being a Bruin played on any of the sports teams. But somehow, we were bitter enemies because our schools shared a Zip Code.
The most bizarre thing is, this kind of mass hypnosis doesn't stop at college. Tell a Raiders fan that you root for the Cowboys and you're all but persona non grata. Or try to explain to an Angels Rally Monkey why you like the 49ers so much. I dare you.
But that might not have deterred me if it wasn't for the chauvinism and condescension I get from the male fans whenever I show the slightest interest in sports. Either my questions about the legality of a move are met with jeers, or my translation of the mechanics to a fellow female are met with fascination. It's as though my gender precludes me from comprehending the mechanics of manipulating a ball around a field.
So a few years ago, I gave up. I have no real love for sports apart from an understanding instilled in me by my father, so I think I will simply leave the cheering to the true fans. At least until I'm old enough not to care about the other stuff.
I went to college.
And suddenly, I became part of "the team." I was no longer an individual fan, cheering for whichever team I liked better based on record or players, or hell, even which colors or mascot I liked better. No, I was now a Bruin, who hated Trojans at all costs. Ironically, it was mostly Trojans who informed me of this.
While I'm all for a little friendly competition, I never really got the cross-town rivalry thing. *I* wasn't on the team. None of the Trojans that razzed me about being a Bruin played on any of the sports teams. But somehow, we were bitter enemies because our schools shared a Zip Code.
The most bizarre thing is, this kind of mass hypnosis doesn't stop at college. Tell a Raiders fan that you root for the Cowboys and you're all but persona non grata. Or try to explain to an Angels Rally Monkey why you like the 49ers so much. I dare you.
But that might not have deterred me if it wasn't for the chauvinism and condescension I get from the male fans whenever I show the slightest interest in sports. Either my questions about the legality of a move are met with jeers, or my translation of the mechanics to a fellow female are met with fascination. It's as though my gender precludes me from comprehending the mechanics of manipulating a ball around a field.
So a few years ago, I gave up. I have no real love for sports apart from an understanding instilled in me by my father, so I think I will simply leave the cheering to the true fans. At least until I'm old enough not to care about the other stuff.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Birthday Omphaloskepsis
I think one of the reasons some people detest birthdays is they frequently feel as though it is a knell of more time past, and less time ahead. For me, it is a marker of progression, a clear point from which I can regard the previous trip around the sun, and determine what I most desire for the next one.
A big focus for me this year is going to be joy. The previous year of my life has been filled with not a little doubt, pain, and fear. And while I have had ample reason to feel these things, many people I know and admire would meet these circumstances with considerably more aplomb than I have. This year, I wish to learn by their example and take life in stride.
Another focus for this year will be frugality. I pay my bills on time and never want for food or gas, however I have literally no reserves, nothing set aside for the future, or even for rainy days (and Mondays - they always get me down!). This WILL change.
Finally, I am going to "enhance my calm." As I face the reality of two children becoming a part of my life, I know that patience and understanding are key to the development of any child. I wish to be a positive force for love and good in these kids' lives, and so... patience for this padawan will be the name of the game.
I think that's plenty for the next trip around the sun. Let's see how I've done on the next November the twentieth!
A big focus for me this year is going to be joy. The previous year of my life has been filled with not a little doubt, pain, and fear. And while I have had ample reason to feel these things, many people I know and admire would meet these circumstances with considerably more aplomb than I have. This year, I wish to learn by their example and take life in stride.
Another focus for this year will be frugality. I pay my bills on time and never want for food or gas, however I have literally no reserves, nothing set aside for the future, or even for rainy days (and Mondays - they always get me down!). This WILL change.
Finally, I am going to "enhance my calm." As I face the reality of two children becoming a part of my life, I know that patience and understanding are key to the development of any child. I wish to be a positive force for love and good in these kids' lives, and so... patience for this padawan will be the name of the game.
I think that's plenty for the next trip around the sun. Let's see how I've done on the next November the twentieth!
Monday, November 14, 2011
To My Future Stepkids - Installment 1
Hi Aurora and Gabe,
We haven't met in person yet, only over Skype and phone. But already, I love you. I ask your father about you constantly, and I rejoice in your victories, and sigh at your mistakes. Trying to help your father be reunited with you has been a huge part of my world for the last few years, and now that we're so close, I'm a little scared.
I'm so terrified that I'll injure you. That you'll resent me for not being your mom. That you'll resent the kids I'd like to have with your father one day. That I'll mess you up without even meaning to or realizing it. But I promise you that I will always be doing my best to be fair and nurturing, to love you and cherish you the way you deserve.
I want to be a good stepmom to you. A friend and advocate, someone you respect as an authority figure, and look up to as a role model. I want to help your father raise you into functional, beautiful grown-ups, and cry at your weddings and cheer at your graduations, volleyball games, recitals... I want to be a good step-parent.
But I'll need your help. I know that I'm not your mom, and I may have different rules that you're used to. We both need to be understanding of each other as we try to get used to living with each other. At some point we will all make mistakes, but I think if we all try to work together to make a family, we'll be stronger and happier for it.
We're still working hard at finding a job for your father, and until then, I'm making myself and our house ready for you. I just want so badly for us all to be a family, I hope that wanting and wishing and working is enough.
See you soon.
We haven't met in person yet, only over Skype and phone. But already, I love you. I ask your father about you constantly, and I rejoice in your victories, and sigh at your mistakes. Trying to help your father be reunited with you has been a huge part of my world for the last few years, and now that we're so close, I'm a little scared.
I'm so terrified that I'll injure you. That you'll resent me for not being your mom. That you'll resent the kids I'd like to have with your father one day. That I'll mess you up without even meaning to or realizing it. But I promise you that I will always be doing my best to be fair and nurturing, to love you and cherish you the way you deserve.
I want to be a good stepmom to you. A friend and advocate, someone you respect as an authority figure, and look up to as a role model. I want to help your father raise you into functional, beautiful grown-ups, and cry at your weddings and cheer at your graduations, volleyball games, recitals... I want to be a good step-parent.
But I'll need your help. I know that I'm not your mom, and I may have different rules that you're used to. We both need to be understanding of each other as we try to get used to living with each other. At some point we will all make mistakes, but I think if we all try to work together to make a family, we'll be stronger and happier for it.
We're still working hard at finding a job for your father, and until then, I'm making myself and our house ready for you. I just want so badly for us all to be a family, I hope that wanting and wishing and working is enough.
See you soon.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Internet "Privacy"
I'd like you to take a seat. Get comfortable, because what I am about to say might be uncomfortable for you to hear. Yes, those people in the room with you can stay, they need to hear it too:
I am judging you.
I don't mean to, and many times, I'm not even aware that I'm doing it. But I am. Every time you post something, or even if you don't post for a while, I learn something about you that either earns you a few more points in the "like" column, or a few more points in the "dislike" column. And here's something else that's also kind of difficult to say:
I am not unique in this.
We ALL learn about each other from the way we present ourselves and how we act, it's not just on Facebook. It's not even exclusive to the Internet, because believe me, if you get drunk and puke on my shoes, I will notice. The internet is different from a party however, because while I can take a shower and buy new shoes, it is virtually impossible to remove content wholly from the web. That part was important, so I'm gonna do another bolded bullet point:
Once it's on the web, it's there forever.
Oh sure, you can write to YouTube, or Facebook, or whatever, and have the offending material removed, but dollars to donuts someone has it saved somewhere and it will resurface again. The scarier part is that somewhere on a server is a cached copy of that video of you lighting your dog's farts.
Now I'm not telling you this to scare you, or to encourage you not to light your dog's farts... though that is pretty gross, and probably not very good for you OR your dog... point is, I'm not even the person you need to worry about. Check out this article from Gizmodo:
http://gizmodo.com/5818774/this-is-a-social-media-background-check
That's right, kids. Not only is it possible for potential employers to Google your name, now a company has figured out a way to do it FOR them in a way that doesn't violate fair hiring practices. They don't look for race, religion, marital status, or kids, but they DO look for violent tendencies, references to drugs, racist remarks, and sexually explicit behavior. What does that mean? And I truly hope you'll pay attention to this next part:
Think before you post.
If you drop an F-bomb in a review on Yelp, they can find it. If you twitter a picture of you wearing a Circa 1941 SS Uniform, they can find it. If you make a comment about the president being a socialist, they can find it. Anything connected with your name, address, email and phone number is fair game.
But this isn't just about employers. Your friends see your private posts, the ones those searches can't find, and believe me, they are judging you too. Because they know that they are judged by the company they keep, just as everyone else is.
So what am I suggesting? Censorship? Fear of expression? Hardly. But I want you to be aware that the opinions you choose to express publicly have repercussions. This is not new. We have always been held accountable for what we say in public, problem is, we can now say things in public from the privacy of our living room. And once it's on the internet, the fact that you were drunk, or upset, or hadn't slept for 2 days doesn't matter. By the time you can explain, you've already been convicted in the court of Public Opinion.
Plain text robs us of context. It can be particularly effective for comedic purposes, but remember that for a large portion of the people you are in contact with, all they know of you is what is on your Facebook Feed, at least until the next time they see you. The Myth that people are not the same on the internet as they are in person can no longer protect you, especially if you use your real name or any part thereof.
So please, and I say this with all the love and support I can: Choose your words carefully, you may have to eat them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)