Tuesday, December 30, 2025

A not-so-Irish Goodbye

 I started this blog 16 years ago, and it is WILD to see my thoughts from so long ago. I still like to look back on it from time to time, as something of a mirror into past me. Waving through the years at a time capsule of who I was in the moment.

But the person who started this blog is not the person I am now, and hasn't been for quite some time. I've been through divorce, childbirth, a pandemic, a lifetime of Motherhood, betrayal, addiction, recovery, and very nearly literal rebirth. So I think it's time to put this blog to bed.

I will still leave it up, because I think it's fun. But I won't be adding to it anymore. If you've stayed with me this long, thank you. You can still follow me over at claire-michael.com, or visit my linktree at https://linktr.ee/seebeedubs to find me everywhere findable.

It's time for the princess to be a queen. 

Now will somebody get this walking carpet out of my way?

Tuesday, May 20, 2025

An Open Letter to Someone Who Will Probably Never See This

Oops! Looks like this blog doesn't have access.

To read the full post, go here.

Tuesday, January 14, 2025

Shadow

My deepest fear, my dearest dread
It doesn't live under the bed
Or in the closet, no instead
its residence is in my head
That monster that is me

It tells me that I'm all alone
To old for help, but still not grown
And when I try to fight I'm shown
The sharpest shame I've ever known
By the monster that is me

It tells me I'm unlovable
A monster unrecov'rable
A puny thing, so shoveable
Too dark for up above, a full-
-on mosnter, that is me.

And knowing it's lying doesn't deaden its claws
Or dullen the fangs that extend from its jaws
It knows where to scratch, where to hurt, where to bite
It knows how to drain me of all will to fight

Cause the monster that hates me, that tries to sedate me
That causes irate me, that never escapes me
That monster, that monster, the thing that most hates me

 

That horrible monster is me. 

Art by Reddit User TallulahDankhead and available here

Tuesday, December 17, 2024

To My Five-Year-Old Daughter

 To My Five-Year-Old Daughter,


As I look over at your sweetly sleeping face, I know that the world you enter now is one that is filled with challenges and hardships. Your right to do what you wish, how you wish, and with whom you wish stands on a very tenuous knife’s edge, and I hope that I and the rest of your grown-ups can help leave the world a little better than we found it.


But those are not things I can control here and now, from this desk. What I can control in this moment is what little wisdom I have gained, and what I desperately wish to impart to you throughout your childhood.


Never forget that you are special, beautiful, and powerful. You are special, just as every heart who has ever danced on this plane is unique and remarkable. You are beautiful, because you love with every fibre of your being and share the deepest truths within your soul. And you are powerful, innately, truly, and deeply, simply by the virtue of knowing and accepting the simplicity of that truth. Your power comes from believing in you.


Some will resent your sparkle. Sparkle anyway.

Some will betray your trust. Trust anyway.

Some will doubt your intentions. Be true to them anyway.

Some will try to hurt you. And some will even succeed.


But know this: the way others treat you has so much more to do with them than with you. You are your own incredible self, and others’ failure to grasp your true nature, as painful as it may be for you, is nothing compared to the tragedy they live of never seeing you for the amazing and delightful light that you are, and which you bring to the world.


Know also, that you have brought me a deeper love than I ever thought I could experience. Every laugh that peels is a thousand hugs, every smile that beams is a million sunsets, and hearing you joyously shout “Mommyyyyy” when you see me at the end of a long day heals wounds I didn’t even know I had.


You are getting older now, and this was in no way authorized by me. You no longer need me to help you dress, or eat, or do any of the million things people do in a day. But to me, you will always be the tiny newborn the nurse placed on my chest, straining her neck to meet my gaze. Even as you grow ever so taller and more independent, there will always be a place in my arms, a spot in my lap, and a kiss on any part of your face you’ll let me catch you with. Sleep well, my angel. The world is waiting for you. -Your Mother


Tuesday, November 26, 2024

In Defense of Robin Scherbatsky

 TL;DR - she was mistreated by every man in her life, including those on the show, and comes by her closed-off nature and wariness of emotional connection or being "tied down" honestly.

The more times I re-watch How I Met Your Mother, the worse opinions I have of everyone on the show except for Robin.

Ted is determined to find his Manic Pixie Dreamgirl, and will shoehorn any woman unfortunate enough to date him into that role, whether it fits her or not. Every serious relationship we see of his except for Tracey starts with a "No." Robin. Victoria. Robin again. Stella. Natalie. Rachel Bilson's character whose name escapes me. Victoria again. He's basically JD with less homophobia and transphobia.

Barney... well. Go look up Rape By Proxy, and realize that that is what The Playbook is. Yes, he grows. But not until the VERY LAST EPISODE and even then, we don't know if that sticks.

Marshall holds everyone, himself included, to impossibly high standards for ethics and morality, and leaves absolutely no space for nuance or ethical ambiguity. He's unhappy when he's making lots of money because he thinks his employers are unethical. He's unhappy when he's working for the NRDC because he doesn't think the man he's idolized his entire career is doing enough. He's unhappy that his wife and his mother don't get along, when his mother is TRULY AWFUL to Lily.

Lily is irretrievably self-involved. I can't marry Marshall, I have to be an artist. I have an amazing husband and we live a comfortable life, but I want to be an artist. Let me put myself into tens of thousands of dollars of credit card debt so I can wear designer clothing on a Preschool Teacher's salary. Let's uproot my entire family, give up the life and friendships I've created, and deny my husband his dream job so I can be an artist.

And then there's Robin. Struggling newscaster who just wants to do something important with her life. Willing to uproot herself multiple times in pursuit of her dreams. Of course she doesn't want to be tied down, she's not selfish enough to want to force someone to move around the world with her. Ted lies to her to get her to come to a party, tells her he's in love with her on the first date, then basically wears her down until she agrees to date him, only to find out he hadn't actually broken up with his girlfriend first. 

First time around, Barney lacks anything resembling the kind of emotional maturity to be in a relationship. To be fair, so does she. But when they break up, Barney is incredibly insensitive, and the gang follows suit. And when they finally do end up together, because they boomerang even more than she and Ted do, despite being so confident he just wants her, he can't stand not being the one in the relationship with all the power.

Don. Starts off by being incredibly disrespectful. Continues to do so by inviting her to a "Party" and trying to pull of The Naked Man, and then criticizes any woman who would fall for it (and yet he wanted her to fall for it?). Isolates her from her friends because he can't deal with the fact that (spoiler alert) SOME PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY REMAIN FRIENDS WITH THEIR EXES (hi, Claire, nice to meet you), and then takes the job that SHE TURNED DOWN because she wanted to be around him, breaking up with her and moving out of the city. Man I hate that guy.

And we're not even going to start on Robin's dad. You can't be abusive and detached for your kid's entire life and then decide once they're 30 that they're you're drinking buddy. Okay, I guess we did start.

Anyway. I can tell that the writers want to paint Robin as this closed-off career-focus woman who just needs to let herself be vulnerable, but every time she does, she gets totally screwed over.

So yeah, I can see that they were always angling toward Robin and Ted getting together at the end of the show. But for her sake, I kind of wish they didn't.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Gluten-Free Pumpkin Gnocchi


Recipe Tags: Gluten Free, Fall, Pumpkin, Italian, Easy, Vegetarian, Vegan
Start to Nom: 30 Minutes active cooking
Needed: Oven, Stove, Large Stockpot, Baking Sheet, Mixing Bowl, Tongs, Slotted Spoon, Flat Turner
Serves: Up to 4

Ingredients:
2 cups Pumpkin Purree (fresh or canned)
1.5 cups Instant Mashed Potatoes
1.5 cups Gluten Free Flour (any kind)
1 tsp caradamom
0.5 tsp ground clove
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp salt

1. Fill stockpot with water and set on high to bring to rolling boil. Set oven broiler on to Low.
2. Combine all ingredients except Pumpkin in large mixing bowl. A whisk works well.
3. Add pumpkin and hand mix until items are well combined into soft, rather dry dough.
4. Hand roll cherry tomato-sized pieces of dough into oblong pieces, roughly 1" by 1/3" inch, and arrange with at least 1" between pieces on baking sheet.
5. Use the tines of a fork to flatten each gnocchi and give it the signature shape.
6. Broil 5-10 minutes on top rack of oven to dry. Do not over broil or toast, this is merely to dry the gnocchi so they don't fall apart in the water.
7. When gnocchi are warm to the touch and the tops look dry, drop each piece one-by-one into rolling boil in small batches. These gnocchi do not double in size as with plain potato gnocchi. You will know they are done when they float to the edges of the pot and sit calmly instead of turning over in the boiling water. It typically takes 3-5 minutes. It's difficult to over-cook them, but disastrous to under cook them, so test one to get the timing right.
8. Remove gnocchi from pot and place on plate or bowl to cool. Top with your favorite sauce and serve immediately. I used marinara in the picture, which I do not recommend because it overpowers the pumpkin. 

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Masochistic Omphaloskepsis

A piece on trying to work through emotional turmoil as a writer in a Facebook-heavy world.

Delving into pain, caused by examination of thoughts resulting from a previous injury. A falling out with a… not a friend. Friends don’t abuse you. A person.

Ding! Notification - who is it? Someone who cares? Momentary validation? Antiseptic for the pain my head? Distraction from the cause of my pain?

No, stick with it, Broderick. Delve deep. Deep down. Why did it hurt when they said you were worthless? What was it about being mistreated that made you feel this way? These incisions can’t be fully healed, look, I see a suture still inside the emotional scar tissue, let’s pull.

Ding! Notification.Who is it? Someone with relief? Something funny? Antiseptic to help me pick apart my badly healed scabs. That’s never gonna heal if you don’t stop picking…

So let’s pick some more. Delve. Artists need pain to fuel themselves, right? The great Trent Reznor, writing his opus in his bathtub. I hurt myself today and every day, and I already know I can feel but I want to know how much. How much childhood trauma can I lift up if I just pick right here.

Ding! Notification. Who is it? Some asshole telling me I’m wrong on the internet. No, buddy. YOU’RE wrong on the internet, and here’s a list of reasons why. I’m the queen of the takedown, the ultimate troll, I’m such an intellectual badass, I’m…

God I’m so awful. Why do I do that? Why do I get so worked up fighting with strangers I’ll never have coffee with to apologize for what a bitch I was.  

Stick with it, Broderick. Deep deep delving. Self loathing, that’s the place we need to go. That’s where the real trauma is. You’re fat now? Hey, weren’t you fat before? Didn’t your first boyfriend call you fat? And your dance teacher? And your father? Fat. Fat fat fatty. No self-respect. No self-control. How could I ever be a good mother?

Ding! Notification. Who is it? Nobody. An event coming up that I can’t go to because I’m 1500 miles away. The invitation is enough, though. Totally. You know I would be there if I lived closer. I definitely wouldn’t make an excuse to stay home and pick at these scars.

Delve.

Ding.

Delve.

Ding.

There’s got to be something better. I’d find out what it is, but while I was typing and editing this, I got two, make that three, no now four notifications, and I have to go.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Eating Crackers

Before we begin, allow me to show you this picture so the first image in a share isn't something with profanity in it!:


The Girlchild and I had a great conversation about popularity, perception, and other people's opinions on the way to her summer program today. She started by talking about how the people in her new school weren't always the warmest to her because what they thought of her, and I introduced the Crackers Phenomenon.

You may be familiar with this idea, but in case you're not, here's a handy JPEG:


The version I gave to her had much gentler language, but she definitely got the gist. And then she asked if I ever ate crackers. And I sighed.

There's a person who decided I was absolutely, 100% out for her blood. I dated some people in her life and I also took a job where she had once worked, and in her mind, these were indications that I hated her and was trying to destroy her. Thing was, until I learned this through mutual friends, she wasn't even a blip on my radar.

Now, of course, I hate that someone thinks these things of me, and so when my girl asked if I ever ate crackers, I had to be honest. I gave her a very watered-down version, and we had a great talk about how perception is everything. We even got a handy-dandy case of mistaken identity in drivers on the road to drive the point home.

Flash forward to the end of the day, and she's helping me out in the classroom, and one of my students asks "Miss Claire, do you eat crackers?"

I look straight at my girl and say, "All the time."

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Jizanthepus

As some of you may know, I am a preschool teacher. And I'd like to tell you about one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had with a parent*.

I teach twos and toddlers, which means lots of diapers. And there's this one child whose parents are latino and black. Now, something I have learned by changing the diapers of many ethnicities is that children with dark skin have poop lighter than themselves, and children with light to medium skin have poop darker than themselves. Then there is this small sliver of children whose poop is the exact same color as their skin.

Let it show that I am not saying their skin is the color of poop, I am saying that their poop is a similar color to their skin. Just a little crowbar in there.

Well, I am changing this child. And he has pooped... gloriously. If you're a parent, you know what I mean. And I have to clean him up, and I can't miss any. Because again, if you're a parent, you know that if you leave poop behind, it will do one, two, or all of three things: embarrass you, disgust you, and give them a rash.

And then there's Jizanthepus. If you've watched Louis CK, you may be familiar with this term. A Jizanthepus is... well let's say that preschool teachers love all their kids. And some of them make it more difficult than others.

Anyway, Jizanthepus is one of those kids who will do exactly what you're asking them not to, while mad-dogging you. And it doesn't matter what you say to him. No amount of "Jizanthepus. Excuse me Jizanthepus. Mister Jizanthepus! Jizanthepus no thank you! *Gasp* Jizanthepus! Danger, danger!" is going to convince him to do what you're asking.

Jinzanthepus doesn't care. Jizanthepus is convincing all of his friends to go be Jizanthepuses with him. Jizanthepus is Lord of the Goddamned Flies. And the worst part: he knows it. He knows that I'm changing a diaper. He knows that nothing he does will cause me to walk away from the child strapped to the changing table, and there I am, all alone in the classroom with him, my changing kid, and five Jizanthepuses in training.

And so, I meet his eye, and use the only resource left to me as a teacher. Because if I make a threat in front of the whole class, I better be prepared to follow through with.

"Jizanthepus, I swear to Christ, if you don't stop this instant you will be the VERY LAST to have snack!"

And that's when his mother walked in.

*This story is not true, but is inspired by real children I teach.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Untitled

Millions of people marched today in solidarity with women around the world, and in protest of the rhetoric of the most recent US presidential election. Many of those people were my friends, and I thank and celebrate you all, and applaud your efforts and the way you exercised your first amendment rights today.

I did not march today, not because I don’t support the cause, or because I’m not an activist, or even because I don’t support the goals of the organization. I stayed home for my safety. I’m extremely claustrophobic in crowds, and my network of people who can bail me out in this new city I live in should arrests be made is nill. Many friends posted Senator Warren’s warning, which listed that you should have a going to jail plan, which I definitely didn’t. And so, things being how they are, I stayed home and cheered from the sidelines, researching next steps and possible female candidates to follow in 2018.

All of this would have been fine, except that a person took it upon themselves to question my activism. To chide my anxiety. To shame me.

Let me first say that nobody has the right to tell anyone else how to spend their spoons. If you don’t know what that means, check out Spoon Theory. But back to my point, it is not your role or your job to tell any adult how they should be spending their energy. Maybe your spouse or your children, but even then they may tell you where to go.

Second, not all activism looks the same. Some attend marches. Some write letters, or speeches, or songs. Some go to city council meetings. There are as many ways to be an activist as there are activists, and there’s no such thing as a wrong way to do it, except not doing it at all.

And finally: behold the problem with our rhetoric in political discussion. You have to agree with me. Not only that, you have to agree with me on all of these different intersections of politics, behavior, science, and logic. Not only that, you have to agree with me in the specific way I want you to, otherwise we disagree and you’re wrong and also Hitler.

Does this sound familiar? Because I am tired of it. So very weary. And to use a phrase which has been beaten to death since November 9th, if you think and act this way, you’re part of the problem.

Spoiler alert: most people don’t agree 100% with everything on their party’s platform. People have different views on different topics, and varying degrees of importance for different topics as well. Some people *really* care about the economy, while some *really* care about social issues, while some *really* care about the environment, and most people don’t have enough energy to care about all of them equally, and certainly not all at the same time.

We need to stop thinking that there is a Right Way to be a Democrat. A Republican. An American. A Person. People disagree. People agree and still act differently from each other. People given the same information as you may reach a different conclusion. It doesn’t mean either of you is wrong or right. Because as I’ve said entirely too much lately, it’s all about worldview.

Friday, January 20, 2017

The Teacher's Prayer

Lord, let me lift these children to the light.

Let me always have gentle hands, a gentle voice, a gentle soul, and a gentle heart.

Let me find patience when I am tested
Let me find forbearance when I am challenged
Let me find hope when I am weary

Lord, let me fill my cup with love and let it flow as milk and honey from your promised land over the heads, hearts, bodies, and minds of the children entrusted to my care.

Let me always speak peace and forgiveness in times of struggle and trials
Let me always show creativity and imagination when faced with obstinance and boredom
Let me always inspire loyalty when faced with discontent and mutiny

Let me remember when I am tested that help is ready for those who ask it, and let me always find a way to be my best self, whether seeking within or seeking without.

Let me lift these minds, hearts, and souls in love, kindness, understanding, and curiosity. Let me instill compassion and empathy, and dispel fear and resentment.

And dear lord, let me always remember that these tiny hearts are the future, and I need only to show them their true selves, that their light may shine upon the world.

Amen

Saturday, December 31, 2016

1500 Miles to Go Home

The steering wheel clenched in my hands. The feel of the road, gently rumbling beneath my legs and feet. Scenery passing by my face and shoulders. So much sameness that you almost don’t notice the changes.

First, a flurry of buildings. Old ones, new ones, familiar ones. Landscapes you’ve seen dozens of time. Then sand. Sand and Joshua Trees. Why are they called Joshua Trees? Is it because they resemble our lord Yeshua? With mangled arms and bowed brows, leaves like the thorny crown and stigmata of a crucified martyr.

My car breaks down. In my fear and panic I contemplate leaving it by the side of the highway to become just another lonely relic to the thriving economy this freeway used to be, before man truly tamed the skies.

Many miles in the wrong direction, and we’re on our way again. Slowly, the sand turns from tan to red. The desert plants grow smaller, lower to the ground, as if wishing to avoid proximity to the sun. The steering wheel is hot in my hands, and the leather seats make me sweat.

Still I push past the red sand and the short paltry shrubs of the low Arizonian desert, and now I am in New Mexico. Land of the country’s most beautiful rest stops. New Mexico. State we can’t even stop in because we lost a day and a half. New Mexico. I hear you’re beautiful. I hope we can come back eventually.

I enter my new home in a flurry of signs. The highways are broader. The signs are bigger. The speed limits are higher. WELCOME TO TEXAS

We stop in the first vestige of civilization. I eat Mexican food that tastes more like Cabo than Chihuahua. I thank God this isn’t where we’re stopping forever.

I keep driving. We’re in the Badlands now. The dirt is an indeterminate color of sadness and forsaken land. There are no plants. Each bastion of civilization, a town supporting a Gas Station, population 20, is at least sixty miles apart. It grows dark. And now there is thunder.

As a child I loved the thunder and lighting. The gods playing with the light switches, pretty patterns marking the sky, tearing its paper into bright portions, lit only for a moment, but seared in the eyes of my mind. As an adult, leaving her home and seeking a new one, aware that I travel in a metal cage moving eighty miles an hour in a desert with 60 miles between rest stops, I am terrified.

I reach out to those who can help. My mother. My father. My husband. In the end, the sweet strains of Paul McCartney are what truly calms me. I sleep peacefully beneath a dry and thunderous sky, obscured by the roof of our hotel.

One more day of driving. The landscape becomes high desert. Then I see more trees. I pass a colonial looking town that I mistake for a Civil War battlefield because of its name. I vow to return and go shopping. I climb up a hill in my twelve year old car with sticky leather seats. I look to my left. There is a giant man-made lake, created to drain the flood plain. I drive further. “Bee Cave 12 miles.” I wonder if it’s a town name, a cave of bees, or both.

I stop. I am here. This will be my home. It looks much like the 1980s landscape I remember, only in less Sandstone and more Olive.

I take several trips up the stairs. My belongings are here. My husband is here. My father closes the door behind him as he heads for the airport. I look around and burst into tears. I am home.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Sonnet on July 2016

So many lives of colors bright and dark
Have hurried to their final beats and breaths
Evil haunts the world and leaves its mark
And sages of their wisdom are bereft
How can I hope to capture what I feel
When seeing candles outed left and right?
When bathed in death, this life seems barely real
Why fight the dark when there’s so little light?

But this is not, it cannot be the end.
The story of the world is not near done
As long as we can call each other friend
The battle with the dark can sure be won
As long as lovers kiss and families share
The hope for light and good is everywhere

Monday, June 20, 2016

Opinion: Rape vs. Murder

I keep having this pretend conversation in my head. It's not a fun ride, but it refuses to leave me alone.

Other person: Would you rather be raped or murdered?

Me: Murdered.

Other person: That's absurd! Why would you rather die?

Me: Both crimes are murder, one's just slightly less messy for the criminal. If I'm murdered nobody's going to ask me if I had been drinking. Nobody will suggest that maybe I wanted to be murdered. Nobody will say I should have worn something different, or that I shouldn't have been out that night, or that I was in any way to blame for being murdered.

And weeks later, nobody will tell me I should get over it. Nobody will tell my family that they should just drop the case to save my murderer the embarrassment of a trial. Nobody will say I'm making a big deal out of being murdered. Nobody will say that my murderer has so much going for him, can't I just drop the whole thing? No judge will go easy on my murderer because he's wealthy, or on a sports scholarship, or his family is well-connected.

Years later, I won't have added financial burden of either therapy or PTSD as I have flashbacks to the night I was murdered. I won't have difficulty keeping a job or maintaining relationships with people because I can't shake the memory of my murder. I won't need to seek out support from other people who have been murdered. I won't suffer horrible traumatic damage for the rest of my life because of one awful thing someone else did to me that was in no way my fault. And I won't be blamed for it either.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Short Story: Memcorp Bank, NA

Inspired by a prompt from HitRecord: What if memory became currency?

The woman sat down in the surprisingly uncomfortable chair with the bright light behind it that would shine over her shoulder and obscure her face from the camera.

“This chair sucks,” she complained, scooting to the edge and finding a perfect dent for her rump and smoothing her skirt over her knees. She crossed her ankles, wishing she had worn hose.
“It’s a posture chair,” Geoffrey replied. “Ever wonder why everyone on my show looks so good?”

He flashed the smile he was known for. The one that made you trust him immediately. She relaxed a little.
“So, now that we’re here, I’m going to need your name.” He smiled again.
“Oh hell no!”
“If I can’t verify your identity I can’t cite you as a source.” Another smile.
“Fine. After I’m done. And nowhere near any of these damned cameras or microphones.”

She gestured towards the lapel mic on her suit jacket. Noticing a light spot on the lapel, she licked her finger and rubbed at it furiously.
Geoffrey had heard a tiny tinge of a Southern twang when she said “these damned microphones.” He scribbled “GA?” on the notepad in front of him and looked back at the woman in the suit.

“Fair enough,” a sterner smile, “But I have to have something to call you.”
She thought for a moment.
“Peachy.”
A real Georgia Peach, alright, Geoffrey thought.

“Okay Miss Peachy. Look at the monitor to the left of the camera. We can’t see anything about you except that you’re a woman, do you see that?” She nodded. “Sound, can we put a preview of what the studio is hearing from her microphone?” The technician in the booth scrambled.
“Rolling!” He sounded so far away.
“Will you talk for me please?”
“What do you want me to- oh!” She laughed. “I sound like a tuba!”

Geoffrey saw Peachy visibly relax this time and he flashed a smile at his producer. The sound trick always worked on the skittish ones.
“Okay, sound, that’s enough.”
The deep laughter stopped in the studio and Peachy composed herself.

“Now, Miss Peachy.” Geoffrey didn’t smile this time. “Can you please look into the camera, tell us the date and why you’re here?”

The laughter in her eyes died quickly. She looked into the camera and took a steadying breath.
“It is Saturday, December 16th, 2317. I am here to expose corruption, collusion, and fraud on the part of my employer, Memcorp Bank, NA.”

“That’s a pretty big accusation.” Geoffrey had heard Peachy’s claims before, it’s why they were here. Never ask a question you don’t already know the answer to in a televised interview. That had been Professor Zahelu’s first rule of journalism, and with an expose this big, Geoffrey was taking no chances.

“Yes it is,” Peachy pressed on, “and I have the evidence to back it up-“
“Well before we get into that, let’s establish some background. How long did you work at the bank?”
“13 years.” Peach relaxed a little.
“And what did you do there?”
“I am in commodities management.”
“So you’re still working there even after everything you’ve discovered?”
“Yes.”
“And why is that?”
“I wanted to collect enough evidence to make my case.”
“Why not go to the police?”
“I wasn’t sure it would help.”
“Why not?”

Peachy got that scared look in her eyes again. It was time to switch tactics.
“So you’re in commodities management.”
“Yes.” Peachy’s voice became even and measured again.
“What does that entail?
“I help keep the memory data safe from being corrupted.”
“How can it be corrupted?”
“Loss of power to the servers, cyber attacks, plain old data corruption, and time deterioration.”
“Memories can be lost over time?”
“The older ones, from before Memcorp’s charter, yes.”
“So how do you help?”
“I review memories in the bank for inconsistencies, color variances, anything that could indicate a particular bank of memories could be experiencing corruption.”

Geoffrey steered the conversation back to her purpose.
“Interesting. And have you ever played whistleblower before?”
“Once, when I thought a coworker of mine was stealing.”
“Were they?”
“Yes.”
“And what happened to them?”

Despite the light over her shoulder, Geoffrey could still see Peachy’s face turn red. She still answered the question.
“She was ordered by the court to deposit all her memories of banking protocol and finance law. She was also given a lifetime ban on all legal, law enforcement, and politics packages, and with those bans she’s really only qualified for labor and service. I heard from a coworker she cleans houses now.”
“Those are some pretty staunch sanctions.”
“Embezzlement is something the government and Memcorp takes very seriously.”

Geoffrey shifted in his seat.
“Now what about Memcorp, have you ever seen or found anything in their policies or practices to suggest they might be behaving in ways that were unethical, or even illegal?”
“Not until about three months ago.”
“What happened then?”
“I saw something...” She swallowed hard and looked at the floor. The camera wouldn’t see it, but Geoffrey could tell she was fighting back tears.
“Let’s back up.” Geoffrey didn’t want this getting out of hand. A little emotion was good, but too much too early and this story would die on the cutting room floor.

“Let’s talk a little bit about how the bank works in general. Now, Memcorp is the oldest bank in the United States, correct?”
“Correct, we received our charter back in 2150. Before then, Memcorp was Memtank. It was simply a social way to share memories with your friends.”
“People used to just share memories?” Geoffrey asked.
“Yes, before the dollar fell and the US switched over to USMems, people used to share memories with everyone. Of course they weren’t the Mems we know now, where you can recall the actual experience, more like an impression. And people could keep their own versions.”
“Interesting, so you could deposit something you also held onto?”
“Not exactly, there were no deposits, because there was nothing to deposit into. It was more like reading, or watching a movie, where you saw and felt what happened, but if you tried to access it later, you were just remembering the memory rather than actually having it.” Peachy was comfortable with this part, explaining the history of memory was part of her job.

Geoffrey paused and chuckled.
“That all sounds very complicated.”
“Well, it’s 50 years of memory history in a nutshell.” Peachy laughed.
“I see, I see. Now how did Memtank become Memcorp?”

“When the treasury shifted to mems instead of the dollar, Memtank was one of three companies that had the databases large enough and stable enough to store large amounts of memories for long periods of time. Wells Fargo bought one, Bank of America bought the second, and our founder, Philip Alexander spent his Memtank fortune getting the authorization to switch over to Memcorp and become a bank.”
“We he and his family certainly made that back, didn't they?”
“Yes, they did. Memcorp is now the largest bank in the world.”
“What do you think contributed to their success?”
“Innovation. We were the first bank to safely transplant a set of memories into a donor body. We were also the first bank to use active scanners to determine how full the brain was so nobody’s memories get overtaxed. We even developed our own scanners that can make deposits and withdrawals so the customer only has to visit one machine. And we were the first bank to be able to target not only a specific amount of time, but a specific set of memories related to one topic and package them for use as a training module for various careers.”
“Like when my parents purchased the journalism package for me.”
“Exactly. Now those with the means can insert and remove packages as suits their needs while still retaining their personal experiences. And we have the largest library of Public Domain Memories in the market.”
“The free memories.”
“Yes, the reproducible memories that can be obtained the hard way by anyone. Reading the Constitution. Visiting a park. Dollar-currency era memories that are lower-quality. All free to any Memcorp customer.”

Geoffrey tugged at the cuffs of his shirt underneath his jacket.
“Sounds too good to be true.”
“It’s not, as long as everyone plays by the rules.” Peachy was quiet now.
“Which brings us to why you’re here. When did you first notice something was wrong?”
Peachy took a deep breath and shifted in her seat.

“I was reviewing the daily memories of one of our tellers.”
“Is it standard practice for tellers to deposit their memories?”
“It’s completely voluntary, but if they give up their half their day’s work, they can withdraw half a day of a leisure activity. We get valuable information about the daily goings on within the bank and the concerns about our customers, and our employees get to leave the most stressful parts of the office behind them and remember fun instead of work.”
“How many employees participate in this program?”
“About half.”
“And why don’t the employees simply deposit their entire day in exchange for an entire day of leisure?”

Peachy laughed.
“They would be of no use to us then.”
“Why is that?”
“Would you want an employee that had effectively been on vacation for three years? The only way they learn on the job is by doing the job and remembering their mistakes.”
“Well then don’t they learn slower than they should?”
“Not significantly. Our studies show only a 15% slower learning rate than in employees who don’t deposit their time.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“People aren’t as dumb as they look.”

Geoffrey chucked.
“So let’s get back to these memories you were reviewing. Now, why were you looking at this particular block of memories? Isn’t there a quality control team to review in-store transactions?”
“Certainly, but there had been a problem with the batch of memories this teller’s deposit was made with, and I wanted to examine the batch individually to see if the problem was with the database or the scanners for that region.”
“I see, so tell me about this memory.”
“It was a teller at one of our flagship stores. These are the stores where we pioneer new programs. They have the best performance; the most traffic, the highest amount of deposits, the most high profile customers-.”
“-Your super-stores.” Geoffrey interjected.

“Exactly,” Peachy preened. “Our super-stores. I was reviewing an altercation between this teller and a customer who was going to be traveling.”
“When you say you were reviewing, did you make a withdrawal?”
“No,” Peachy smiled. “No, that would be far too much for a person in my position to take in. We have a monitor when I can see and hear what was translated by the visual and auditory complex, like watching a video.”
“I see, so you were- watching- the memory, so to speak.”
“Yes. Anyway, a customer was arguing with a teller over a transit map of New York.”
“That’s in the public domain isn’t it?”
“It is, but it requires 0.13% capacity of your memory available. The woman was already at 90.00% capacity according to the scanner the teller was using.” Peachy was getting agitated.
“And Memcorp couldn’t install the memory?”
“Memcorp is very conservative with its lending policies. If someone is paying down a package like corporate leadership or law practice, as this customer was, we require they keep at least 10% of their capacity free, in case they forget to make a deposit and accumulate memories too quickly, and so we don’t risk them going over 95%.”
“What happens at 95%”
“Memories start to destabilize and they can be difficult to deposit or repossess.”
“What does that look like?”
“Say for example, your journalism package.”
“Yes”
“You remember going to class, studying, passing exams.”
“Of course.”
“Do you remember the first time you met your wife?”
“I better say yes!”

Peachy smiled.
“Of course you do. But if your memories destabilized, you may start to believe you met your wife in your journalism class. You were never IN a journalism class, but the two could blend together. Then if you ever decided to sell your package, you would either have to leave out that class or lose the memory of meeting your wife forever.”
“I see how this can be a big problem. So what happened with the customer.”
“She argued that she knew she was at 89.05% because she had a home scanner.”
“I’ve heard those can be unreliable.”
“Like with anything, you get what you pay for, and this woman had paid for the best.”
“So what happened?”

Peach tugged at her sleeve.
“The teller refused to give her the memory so she stormed off in a huff. I documented that the teller had followed Memcorp policy. As is our policy with any customer altercation, I reviewed the next interaction the customer had with a teller. It happened to be 15 minutes later, at a different store. She had decided to deposit some early childhood memories into her personal account to make room for the Transit Map.”
“What happened.”
“The teller gave her the map.”
“Was the teller unaware of the policy?”
“No, her scanner said the woman was at 89.05%.”

Geoffrey swallowed. Here we go.
“Is it possible she could have deposited those memories somewhere else?”
“Any deposit of more than half a percent has a federally mandated waiting period of three days.”
“And is it unusual for that kind of discrepancy between scanners to occur?”
“We have the most sophisticated scanners developed by man. They can detect your capacity to a millionth of a percent. They are calibrated twice a day by an armed guard.”
“Why so much caution?”
“The scanners not only read the balance in your head, they also make withdrawals and deposits. Without careful calibration they could make the minds of all of our customers unstable.”
“I see. So the discrepancy is unusual.”
“A discrepancy of more than two hundredths of a percent is enough for us to shut an entire brance down for an investigation. Anything over 5 tenths of a percent and the entire board of directors could go to jail. This was a discrepancy of 0.95%. This wasn’t unusual, this was unimaginable.”
“Why are the laws so strict regarding the scanners?”
“Because any restriction of the exchange of memory is considered an affront by the banks on the free market.”
“What did you do?”
“I started digging.”
“And what did you find.”

Peachy swallowed.
“Systematic manipulation of the scanners. It was only in flagship stores, and it was only during peak hours, but it was nationwide and it was terrifying.”
“So why come to me? Why not go to the police or the FBI?”
“Because of something else I found.”

Peachy pulled out a rollout screen from her suit pocket and pressed play. On the screen was a bedraggled woman with a vacant expression shuffling through an assisted living home. A woman offscreen was trying to get her attention.

“This is Cathy,” Peachy said, as the off-screen woman called out the same name. Peachy began to cry.
“This is the coworker I blew the whistle on.”

Geoffrey looked down at his notepad. He heard a door slam behind him. When he looked up, the studio was empty except for the chair across from him. Geoffrey looked around, confused. Taped to the chair was a note:

REMEMBER. BECAUSE SHE WON’T.

Geoffrey looked at his watch. Either it was an hour fast or he had just lost an hour. Geoffrey pulled out his phone. The time was correct. He called his producer.

“Geoffrey? Whatcha got?” It  was Jerry’s standard greeting, and not at all what he would sound like if he had just woken up in a raided news studio.
“Jerry, man, where are you?”
“I’m on the boat, dude, have been all day.” Geoffrey checked the date on his phone. It was still the same day.
“You, uh… haven’t been by the studio at all today?” Geoffrey swallowed hard.
“No, man, I figured you were calling me with some hot story.” 

Shit.

“Oh, sorry, no-” Geoffrey thought quickly, “I just was wondering if you and Maria wanted to come by for dinner. Janet is making her gumbo and I found this microbrew you’ve gotta try.” This was true, and had already been part of the plan for the day anyway.
“Sounds great, let me just check with Maria and I’ll get back to you.” 

Crap. Would they get to Maria too?

“I think Janet already talked to her to plan their margaritas.” This was perfectly plausible. It was nice, your best friend being married to your wife’s best friend.
“Well then if the women-folk have their mind set on it, we best just be good husbands and go along with it.”
“Alright, man,” Geoffrey was trying not to let his building panic show in his voice. “See you later.”
“See ya’.”

Geoffrey ended the call and looked around the studio. In an hour, they had removed all his equipment, put Jerry on his boat at least 30 minutes away, and wiped his memory to the exact place where he would know what had happened and why. One thing was clear. Someone didn’t want this story told...